betacies2

T3kM4n

1 9/20/2016 11:38:11 AM
Agree: 15482 Deserved : 1121 Comments: 54

health

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

Now What

1 9/8/2016 10:34:17 PM
Agree: 13083 Deserved : 1219 Comments: 77

love

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To

1 8/10/2016 10:21:56 PM
Agree: 14737 Deserved : 795 Comments: 53

miscellaneous

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

Anonymous

1 8/9/2016 9:13:29 PM
Agree: 13223 Deserved : 1066 Comments: 21

miscellaneous

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

NotTheMomma

1 7/22/2016 7:36:39 PM
Agree: 17260 Deserved : 1770 Comments: 150

intimacy

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

JFC

0 7/18/2016 1:26:25 AM
Agree: 11323 Deserved : 927 Comments: 55

miscellaneous

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

jasonvanr

1 5/10/2016 1:49:30 PM
Agree: 13124 Deserved : 1435 Comments: 29

work

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

JustMarried

0 5/8/2016 3:17:41 AM
Agree: 16903 Deserved : 3962 Comments: 65

intimacy

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

foreveryoung

1 4/30/2016 9:53:39 PM
Agree: 13266 Deserved : 3148 Comments: 48

miscellaneous

Today, a weird guy approached me and started asking me many questions. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I suddenly ran away shouting, "Stranger danger! " I'm 21. FML

Anon

1 1/26/2016 5:10:43 PM
Agree: 23898 Deserved : 2847 Comments: 76

work

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

thisbethed

1 11/3/2015 3:56:13 AM
Agree: 24213 Deserved : 1467 Comments: 46

work

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

Anonymous

1 11/1/2015 8:42:15 PM
Agree: 21601 Deserved : 1263 Comments: 23

miscellaneous

Today, we had a great night out with my girlfriend and even won a costume contest together. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great night, because when I got home I found that someone had robbed my apartment. FML

godzilllla

1 8/8/2015 7:29:36 AM
Agree: 21802 Deserved : 11326 Comments: 102

miscellaneous

Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML

Lokiara

0 12/26/2014 11:48:49 AM
Agree: 32011 Deserved : 6475 Comments: 67

miscellaneous

Today, I told my father I'm going to a club with a friend and staying the night at my friend's place. He asked for my friend's name, number, and address so he knows where I'll be. I'm 30 years old. FML

Anonymous

1 12/8/2014 10:05:27 AM
Agree: 40005 Deserved : 3788 Comments: 62

intimacy

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

.__.

1 12/7/2014 1:40:59 PM
Agree: 23145 Deserved : 37429 Comments: 126

miscellaneous

Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML

fuckered519

1 12/7/2014 1:23:29 AM
Agree: 39443 Deserved : 12338 Comments: 160

intimacy

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

Anonymous

1 11/13/2014 11:31:53 PM
Agree: 35234 Deserved : 3318 Comments: 82

health

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

katsaysner

1 10/17/2014 11:26:56 PM
Agree: 42116 Deserved : 4475 Comments: 82

work

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

fanaticalfuckspawn

1 8/26/2014 1:44:29 AM
Agree: 38502 Deserved : 3102 Comments: 98

miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

Anonymous

1 7/26/2014 7:36:57 AM
Agree: 41831 Deserved : 5131 Comments: 107

work

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

Anonymous

1 6/1/2014 10:06:17 PM
Agree: 51015 Deserved : 5209 Comments: 101

kids

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

Cali girl

1 4/3/2014 10:06:33 PM
Agree: 39554 Deserved : 7436 Comments: 110

animals

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

alicia75

1 3/27/2014 5:15:16 AM
Agree: 38471 Deserved : 3465 Comments: 70

animals

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

unknown

1 3/8/2014 6:23:00 AM
Agree: 35471 Deserved : 28190 Comments: 78

work

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mess around at my workplace's parking lot. Things got hot and steamy, but in the middle of it all, there came a bang at my car window. My frantic boss had seen us and thought I was being attacked. FML

Anonymous

1 12/15/2013 12:17:56 PM
Agree: 27971 Deserved : 35135 Comments: 99

animals

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

Anonymous

1 11/16/2013 6:45:19 AM
Agree: 41093 Deserved : 6225 Comments: 55

miscellaneous

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

feetfreak

1 11/13/2013 2:30:58 PM
Agree: 45877 Deserved : 4014 Comments: 134

work

Today, I asked a co-worker why he was wearing sandals, as they are not allowed under our strict dress code. He got extremely angry with me and stormed off. Ten minutes later, I got called into our boss' office. Apparently, he told her that I walked up to him and asked to suck his toes. FML

Teiu88

1 10/20/2013 8:04:32 PM
Agree: 46014 Deserved : 6799 Comments: 110

health

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

Anonymous

1 9/19/2013 11:42:09 PM
Agree: 17663 Deserved : 40336 Comments: 58

miscellaneous

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

OnCompanyTimeToo

1 9/2/2013 6:51:23 AM
Agree: 34656 Deserved : 9132 Comments: 49

work

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

Anonymous

1 8/21/2013 3:07:04 AM
Agree: 49440 Deserved : 4921 Comments: 71

love

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

mycar

1 8/20/2013 11:10:37 PM
Agree: 54116 Deserved : 6165 Comments: 126

miscellaneous

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

why me??

1 8/7/2013 9:51:56 AM
Agree: 21848 Deserved : 58646 Comments: 73

miscellaneous

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

Fuckup

0 8/5/2013 11:39:13 PM
Agree: 42340 Deserved : 10391 Comments: 32

work

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

Anonymous

1 2/24/2013 7:12:18 AM
Agree: 39482 Deserved : 2602 Comments: 85

miscellaneous

Today, my very conservative mom met my girlfriend, who recently shaved her head in support of her best friend, who has cancer. My girlfriend looks beautiful and feminine even with her still very short hair. My mom, however, keeps insisting that I'm dating "a confused transgender". FML

UnluckyInk

1 2/18/2013 2:20:51 PM
Agree: 19946 Deserved : 48863 Comments: 160

intimacy

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

chase

1 1/25/2013 6:24:31 AM
Agree: 28677 Deserved : 52427 Comments: 198

intimacy

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

mateyouremental

1 12/22/2012 2:18:47 AM
Agree: 12769 Deserved : 39360 Comments: 90

miscellaneous

Today, I baked some regular brownies for my friend. Just to mess with him, after he ate some, I said they had weed in them. He trashed my room in anger, and still won't believe me when I tell him that I didn't actually slip him any drugs. FML

Bajar

1 12/19/2012 1:23:02 AM
Agree: 41776 Deserved : 4004 Comments: 173

miscellaneous

Today, while at the airport waiting for my flight, I sat down next to a mother and her son. As I pulled out a water bottle, she leaned over to her son and said, "Promise me you will never do what the man next to you just did." I have no idea what the hell I did wrong. FML

daughterinlaw

1 12/18/2012 10:39:55 PM
Agree: 62522 Deserved : 4262 Comments: 158

intimacy

Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently made a copy of our house key without permission, walked in on my husband and me doing the deed. She went crazy, yelling at me for "defiling" her son. Last week, she yelled at me for not having given her grand-children yet. FML

SpanishInFrenchClass

1 12/6/2012 11:05:07 AM
Agree: 29110 Deserved : 5298 Comments: 122

work

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

Anonymous

1 11/23/2012 11:47:31 AM
Agree: 26591 Deserved : 3588 Comments: 59

animals

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

me

1 11/12/2012 10:00:44 AM
Agree: 27356 Deserved : 1672 Comments: 74

miscellaneous

Today, my father told me to take the car and get some groceries. An hour and a half later, coming home with the groceries, I see the cops all around my house because my dad had called them, thinking that I had run away and stolen the car. FML

xXfloatingshitlogXx

1 11/3/2012 9:34:27 PM
Agree: 28330 Deserved : 2086 Comments: 96

miscellaneous

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

NotSpiderman

1 10/31/2012 10:39:28 PM
Agree: 24021 Deserved : 4459 Comments: 143

animals

Today, I discovered a brown recluse spider in my house. Before I could smash it, it escaped under the door. Now I'm freaked out and wearing boots and gloves, clutching at my kittens and waiting for it to appear. My dad laughs everytime he walks past. FML

Anonymous

1 9/7/2012 10:38:10 AM
Agree: 27022 Deserved : 3237 Comments: 99

kids

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

jon

1 9/1/2012 3:01:32 AM
Agree: 31930 Deserved : 17665 Comments: 182

intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

shadowsorel

1 8/31/2012 2:04:00 AM
Agree: 23665 Deserved : 2574 Comments: 179

health

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

Anonymous

1 8/25/2012 5:50:49 AM
Agree: 26176 Deserved : 7957 Comments: 132

work

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

Jessica

1 8/21/2012 1:51:11 PM
Agree: 28239 Deserved : 3413 Comments: 147

kids

Today, I found out that two kids were able to, without much effort, convince my 16-year-old daughter that her friend's house was used to smuggle out Jews during WWII. His house was built in 2007. We also live in America. FML

Anonymous

1 8/7/2012 8:19:07 PM
Agree: 29932 Deserved : 2972 Comments: 100

love

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

henley

1 7/23/2012 7:03:57 AM
Agree: 11377 Deserved : 68695 Comments: 290

love

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

Grrr

1 7/20/2012 1:28:57 PM
Agree: 25721 Deserved : 2023 Comments: 82

miscellaneous

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

confusedbutloved

1 7/8/2012 6:12:37 PM
Agree: 31765 Deserved : 3803 Comments: 135

love

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

JDBigDawg

1 7/2/2012 12:53:15 PM
Agree: 21579 Deserved : 2327 Comments: 53

miscellaneous

Today, I was at the airport and I offered to help an elderly man carry his golf clubs. Apparently, I sounded sarcastic and condescending, because he started screaming at me about etiquette and manners in front of the entire airport. FML

megasniper240

1 6/19/2012 9:05:35 PM
Agree: 32234 Deserved : 17692 Comments: 369

intimacy

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Anonymous

1 5/24/2012 2:08:18 AM
Agree: 25228 Deserved : 5020 Comments: 92

work

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

rolyat

1 5/1/2012 10:11:10 PM
Agree: 35589 Deserved : 3886 Comments: 210

intimacy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

zazzleface

1 4/9/2012 5:53:04 PM
Agree: 30573 Deserved : 2306 Comments: 156

miscellaneous

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

Anonymous

1 3/9/2012 6:00:16 AM
Agree: 27172 Deserved : 2889 Comments: 72

love

Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my finger nail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML

Cathy

1 1/17/2012 6:03:48 AM
Agree: 33048 Deserved : 3340 Comments: 106

animals

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

Anonymous

1 10/4/2011 10:18:13 AM
Agree: 30759 Deserved : 3510 Comments: 80

animals

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

Cooper491

1 9/16/2011 2:52:24 AM
Agree: 7045 Deserved : 59535 Comments: 192

miscellaneous

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

InAnAwkwardSituation

1 8/25/2011 10:56:38 AM
Agree: 39537 Deserved : 2942 Comments: 177

intimacy

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

Jessie

1 7/5/2011 10:04:16 PM
Agree: 45907 Deserved : 4541 Comments: 212

intimacy

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

annoyedwithkids

1 7/2/2011 11:18:28 AM
Agree: 33005 Deserved : 5326 Comments: 107

kids

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

Anonymous

1 7/1/2011 11:26:23 AM
Agree: 38510 Deserved : 3057 Comments: 161

health

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

Unsanitary

1 6/26/2011 4:02:16 PM
Agree: 49664 Deserved : 10901 Comments: 415

kids

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

hatemyjob

1 6/23/2011 11:43:56 PM
Agree: 29090 Deserved : 3953 Comments: 46

work

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

Anonymous

1 5/24/2011 11:58:09 PM
Agree: 30437 Deserved : 3435 Comments: 76

miscellaneous

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

elle

1 5/23/2011 3:47:58 PM
Agree: 35621 Deserved : 4072 Comments: 53

miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

crutchy

1 3/20/2011 8:33:11 PM
Agree: 44734 Deserved : 3953 Comments: 156

health

Today, at the age of 16, I'm recovering from hip surgery. My friends took me out to the movies to cheer me up. They thought it would be hilarious to steal my crutches and leave me stranded and alone in the mall, multiple times. It wasn't. FML

CutieBooty

1 2/23/2011 2:32:19 AM
Agree: 23822 Deserved : 35253 Comments: 112

intimacy

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

jobless

1 2/13/2011 11:01:36 AM
Agree: 28211 Deserved : 8283 Comments: 70

work

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

Hopeless

1 2/8/2011 8:52:56 AM
Agree: 39082 Deserved : 6033 Comments: 160

love

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

Anonymous

1 1/7/2011 4:27:30 AM
Agree: 39572 Deserved : 2425 Comments: 189

health

Today, a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it. I went to a security guard, and, if my lip reading was accurate, he said to "try and make it through the day without it". Without it, I can't hear anything. FML

Anonymous

1 10/23/2010 12:17:24 PM
Agree: 9435 Deserved : 40149 Comments: 140

miscellaneous

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

Anonymous

1 10/1/2010 11:13:20 AM
Agree: 28991 Deserved : 9036 Comments: 89

intimacy

Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML

ugly

1 8/31/2010 5:41:01 PM
Agree: 31818 Deserved : 6640 Comments: 141

transportation

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

Somethingswrongwiththispic

1 8/5/2010 1:47:14 PM
Agree: 9932 Deserved : 46210 Comments: 128

health

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

metalmusic

1 7/5/2010 11:07:36 AM
Agree: 39225 Deserved : 4337 Comments: 79

love

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

blah.

1 4/5/2010 3:44:52 PM
Agree: 45238 Deserved : 3779 Comments: 168

health

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

nick

1 1/28/2010 10:30:06 AM
Agree: 19706 Deserved : 5265 Comments: 41

intimacy

Today, I was on my grandparents' computer looking for my old high school resume. I came across a word document titled "Experiences". Thinking it was part of my resume, I opened it up and started reading. It was a brief, yet explicit record of my grandfather's recent sexual frustrations. FML

Patrick

1 1/27/2010 5:25:44 PM
Agree: 25776 Deserved : 5148 Comments: 74

intimacy

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

alexbobalex

1 1/11/2010 12:53:27 PM
Agree: 11523 Deserved : 56621 Comments: 190

health

Today, my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. She hates smoking, so she tore every single cigarette to pieces, then emptied a bag of kitty litter on them. On my bed. FML

VAngelique

1 1/10/2010 8:18:05 PM
Agree: 31027 Deserved : 4079 Comments: 64

love

Today, I confessed my love to a guy I've been flirting with for months. He then decided to reject me through a poem on Facebook for all of our friends to read. FML

Lil_bit

1 1/4/2010 10:35:46 AM
Agree: 7495 Deserved : 43592 Comments: 62

transportation

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

Meow

1 9/15/2009 6:51:17 PM
Agree: 35110 Deserved : 7995 Comments: 53

animals

Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomitting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML

Anonymous

1 8/17/2009 11:13:40 PM
Agree: 49679 Deserved : 5914 Comments: 81

love

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

thesockmancometh

1 7/30/2009 8:51:54 PM
Agree: 52220 Deserved : 4554 Comments: 74

intimacy

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

Anonymous

1 6/22/2009 10:05:20 AM
Agree: 12733 Deserved : 83568 Comments: 517

miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

crazyjohnny

1 6/1/2009 12:22:23 PM
Agree: 53669 Deserved : 7879 Comments: 208

miscellaneous

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

poop

1 5/18/2009 10:55:46 PM
Agree: 42011 Deserved : 19284 Comments: 111

miscellaneous

Today, at work, I decided to try and impress this girl walking behind me by holding the door open for her. As she was walking through, I inadvertently pulled the door too hard. It slammed against the wall and ricochet back, hitting her right in the face. FML

Anonymous

1 5/1/2009 1:12:44 AM
Agree: 52765 Deserved : 4265 Comments: 54

money

Today, my serious boyfriend was talking about how he wants to get engaged and married. I was really happy until he said he's excited mainly for the tax benefits. FML

Mars

1 4/29/2009 3:10:30 PM
Agree: 76280 Deserved : 4955 Comments: 110

health

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

Noname

1 3/13/2009 3:38:15 AM
Agree: 148659 Deserved : 22527 Comments: 165

animals

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

xoVioLoveox

1 3/10/2009 7:34:20 AM
Agree: 49611 Deserved : 13109 Comments: 38

kids

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

happyasaclam

1 2/19/2009 6:25:16 AM
Agree: 38382 Deserved : 5917 Comments: 19

intimacy

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

Black

1 12/12/2008 9:01:25 AM
Agree: 37596 Deserved : 3742 Comments: 49

intimacy

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML


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