betacies2

Cinderstar95

1 12/28/2016 3:04:43 PM
Agree: 4235 Deserved : 286 Comments: 9

holidays

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

Lamediseased

1 9/29/2016 8:37:31 PM
Agree: 9855 Deserved : 703 Comments: 30

health

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

mckenna9797

1 9/7/2016 4:46:23 PM
Agree: 19931 Deserved : 2042 Comments: 132

miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday and I'd planned to take my family and friends to dinner with my own money. My mom just informed me that she'd messaged everyone that I'd canceled the dinner. She instead wants to use my money to buy my older brother a gun for his birthday, which is in two days. FML

Carnage23

1 6/5/2016 6:08:52 PM
Agree: 12373 Deserved : 2120 Comments: 59

kids

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

smidgit

0 5/19/2016 11:02:26 PM
Agree: 7547 Deserved : 9221 Comments: 28

work

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

dad, please

1 5/16/2016 11:07:29 AM
Agree: 17718 Deserved : 1467 Comments: 57

intimacy

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

Anonymous

1 2/22/2016 3:18:36 AM
Agree: 21114 Deserved : 2312 Comments: 54

miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

Anonymous

1 2/14/2016 2:53:59 PM
Agree: 21678 Deserved : 1799 Comments: 54

intimacy

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

Anonymous

1 10/20/2015 7:09:12 PM
Agree: 22762 Deserved : 1421 Comments: 56

work

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

Fartnonymous

1 8/18/2015 4:29:40 PM
Agree: 21792 Deserved : 2534 Comments: 74

miscellaneous

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

roselysunset

1 7/29/2015 10:37:37 PM
Agree: 23093 Deserved : 1563 Comments: 58

miscellaneous

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

It's CSI Miami

1 6/24/2015 9:46:48 AM
Agree: 24069 Deserved : 6083 Comments: 119

love

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

thanks for the $5 gift voucher

1 6/13/2015 10:04:17 PM
Agree: 32400 Deserved : 2332 Comments: 153

kids

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

CASH_NoMOMEY

1 5/7/2015 10:42:26 AM
Agree: 29927 Deserved : 5479 Comments: 82

work

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

Tadpolecrusader

1 4/8/2015 4:35:16 PM
Agree: 28201 Deserved : 2037 Comments: 48

miscellaneous

Today, I did the smart thing and bought an umbrella before walking to work. My efforts proved useless when a truck ran through a huge puddle and drenched me from head to toe. My underwear was still wet 4 hours later. FML

stitchesgirl12

1 4/7/2015 9:33:37 PM
Agree: 36635 Deserved : 3494 Comments: 104

health

Today, I ripped my stitches while taking a shit. FML

Anonymous

1 4/6/2015 9:01:47 AM
Agree: 28312 Deserved : 5026 Comments: 139

miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

DDRFreak

1 3/20/2015 3:19:34 AM
Agree: 26046 Deserved : 7399 Comments: 36

work

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

walllflower

1 2/9/2015 1:16:55 AM
Agree: 30382 Deserved : 4298 Comments: 87

health

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

LD

1 1/23/2015 10:16:33 PM
Agree: 31730 Deserved : 4095 Comments: 55

intimacy

Today, I witnessed my husband in the shower singing Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" to his penis while manscaping. I guess that's a bond we'll never have. FML

Anonymous

1 1/20/2015 5:28:15 AM
Agree: 39252 Deserved : 5393 Comments: 199

miscellaneous

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

giantcuntflaps

1 12/13/2014 9:33:31 PM
Agree: 35726 Deserved : 6682 Comments: 41

intimacy

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

fucksake

1 10/5/2014 9:25:59 PM
Agree: 44462 Deserved : 4571 Comments: 84

intimacy

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML

Anonymous

1 9/20/2014 8:58:50 PM
Agree: 53368 Deserved : 13875 Comments: 136

miscellaneous

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

crop circle galore

1 9/6/2014 8:06:35 AM
Agree: 48961 Deserved : 3159 Comments: 60

work

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

Anonymous

1 8/15/2014 9:05:54 AM
Agree: 47225 Deserved : 4242 Comments: 40

intimacy

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

Anonymous

1 6/11/2014 1:36:34 AM
Agree: 50709 Deserved : 16269 Comments: 108

kids

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

ugh

0 6/2/2014 3:45:31 AM
Agree: 46849 Deserved : 12332 Comments: 10

work

Today, I told someone about my degree in technical theatre with a concentration in lighting design. They looked at me and said, "You're paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on and off?" And technically, that's correct. FML

What am I doing with my life?

1 5/22/2014 10:17:58 PM
Agree: 46875 Deserved : 4779 Comments: 82

work

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

Confused

1 4/16/2014 9:43:29 AM
Agree: 44074 Deserved : 14396 Comments: 109

miscellaneous

Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML

unloved cat owner

1 2/16/2014 6:20:36 AM
Agree: 43017 Deserved : 9302 Comments: 96

animals

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

Anonymous

1 1/12/2014 5:56:06 AM
Agree: 46123 Deserved : 23231 Comments: 87

miscellaneous

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

RaccoonFever

1 1/10/2014 4:45:11 PM
Agree: 46617 Deserved : 5670 Comments: 151

animals

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

dadyoureacunt

1 9/21/2013 6:40:04 PM
Agree: 39726 Deserved : 7327 Comments: 59

miscellaneous

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

Anonymous

1 9/8/2013 10:08:09 PM
Agree: 54222 Deserved : 3529 Comments: 176

work

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

helpme

1 7/15/2013 10:55:02 PM
Agree: 50867 Deserved : 4564 Comments: 141

transportation

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

Lepisma

1 6/26/2013 12:49:11 PM
Agree: 47873 Deserved : 4306 Comments: 173

animals

Today, I faced my severe phobia of spiders in order to remove a rather large one from my home. After 20 minutes of desperate struggling, it was finally taken care of. Relieved, I sat down and glanced across the hallway just in time to see a second, equally large spider strutting across the wall. FML

Anonymous

1 3/31/2013 2:08:25 AM
Agree: 39817 Deserved : 15337 Comments: 223

miscellaneous

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

Amanda

1 3/10/2013 9:38:10 PM
Agree: 54289 Deserved : 6567 Comments: 200

kids

Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

Chelsea

1 2/28/2013 4:09:47 AM
Agree: 32240 Deserved : 2604 Comments: 70

miscellaneous

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

thecatlady

1 2/27/2013 12:42:39 PM
Agree: 30123 Deserved : 4208 Comments: 128

animals

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

shitty situation

1 1/29/2013 4:32:39 AM
Agree: 25361 Deserved : 2925 Comments: 40

health

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

Anonymous

0 10/25/2012 4:13:27 AM
Agree: 30563 Deserved : 5368 Comments: 99

miscellaneous

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

screw life

1 10/1/2012 5:05:05 PM
Agree: 26988 Deserved : 2973 Comments: 105

health

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

Rowan Curry

1 9/15/2012 9:07:38 PM
Agree: 9416 Deserved : 48255 Comments: 259

miscellaneous

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

Anonymous

1 9/8/2012 10:57:10 PM
Agree: 37922 Deserved : 2836 Comments: 163

miscellaneous

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

spandexwiener

1 8/18/2012 9:57:16 PM
Agree: 27221 Deserved : 2253 Comments: 89

miscellaneous

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

xd3box

1 7/25/2012 9:40:33 AM
Agree: 11700 Deserved : 58146 Comments: 364

health

Today, I continued my habit of saying, "It smells like lung cancer over here" any time I see a smoker. This guy turned out to be an amateur MMA fighter, and I was his "workout" for the day. I guess his lungs are doing fine. FML

Anonymous

1 2/18/2012 11:52:04 AM
Agree: 29387 Deserved : 2419 Comments: 82

transportation

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

c

1 2/9/2012 5:37:42 AM
Agree: 27491 Deserved : 3784 Comments: 110

love

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

anonymous

1 2/7/2012 2:57:21 PM
Agree: 26579 Deserved : 2283 Comments: 84

health

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

Anonymous

1 12/4/2011 10:49:58 AM
Agree: 42877 Deserved : 2762 Comments: 114

work

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

Anonymous

1 11/24/2011 10:37:21 PM
Agree: 36287 Deserved : 3740 Comments: 83

kids

Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML

Bob

1 11/22/2011 11:36:27 PM
Agree: 45858 Deserved : 8317 Comments: 307

health

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

Username

1 11/12/2011 7:34:45 AM
Agree: 32304 Deserved : 2823 Comments: 97

kids

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

Kirby

1 11/7/2011 10:20:13 AM
Agree: 29154 Deserved : 4324 Comments: 64

miscellaneous

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

derbyboy

1 10/19/2011 11:08:16 AM
Agree: 26631 Deserved : 21721 Comments: 93

work

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

Jesus

1 9/27/2011 7:33:35 AM
Agree: 18925 Deserved : 31298 Comments: 117

health

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

ash

1 8/26/2011 4:27:18 AM
Agree: 10809 Deserved : 41105 Comments: 138

health

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

lostbandana

1 7/3/2011 7:45:10 AM
Agree: 46541 Deserved : 3868 Comments: 190

love

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

Anonymous

1 6/26/2011 2:09:04 AM
Agree: 34412 Deserved : 4137 Comments: 257

miscellaneous

Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML

Anonymous

1 6/7/2011 4:50:43 AM
Agree: 16685 Deserved : 59954 Comments: 222

intimacy

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

trafficfail

1 6/1/2011 10:13:39 PM
Agree: 31099 Deserved : 2766 Comments: 62

transportation

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

notfunny

1 4/9/2011 7:09:35 AM
Agree: 38116 Deserved : 6605 Comments: 195

love

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

Anonymous

0 4/5/2011 10:18:21 PM
Agree: 35206 Deserved : 5881 Comments: 125

kids

Today, my 3 year old daughter decided to put black nail polish over the webcam lens on my laptop because "It wasn't all black, so I decided to fix it." FML

Acesup111

1 3/2/2011 10:54:46 AM
Agree: 41364 Deserved : 3366 Comments: 106

miscellaneous

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

anonymous

1 2/11/2011 3:24:21 PM
Agree: 24633 Deserved : 4058 Comments: 58

work

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

SkinsCastSelection

1 1/17/2011 10:14:52 PM
Agree: 32862 Deserved : 4008 Comments: 32

love

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

Username

1 1/3/2011 5:10:58 PM
Agree: 54066 Deserved : 10557 Comments: 139

intimacy

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

Anonymous

1 12/8/2010 9:48:32 AM
Agree: 39402 Deserved : 10651 Comments: 116

work

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

notgettingany

1 11/24/2010 10:48:50 PM
Agree: 42935 Deserved : 4918 Comments: 172

intimacy

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

shopper242

1 11/22/2010 5:59:33 PM
Agree: 31078 Deserved : 4012 Comments: 68

intimacy

Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML

Anonymous

1 11/14/2010 2:16:51 PM
Agree: 22443 Deserved : 14978 Comments: 130

love

Today, my boyfriend came over with a broken engraved bracelet that I paid 50 dollars for. I was so angry but when I stated "I am going to call them and get a new one!" my boyfriend said back to me "No it's okay, I didn't really like it anyways." It was for our 2 year anniversary. FML

Anonymous

1 10/17/2010 3:24:32 AM
Agree: 39408 Deserved : 3403 Comments: 242

transportation

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

nocanhaz

1 8/16/2010 10:47:03 AM
Agree: 17205 Deserved : 48955 Comments: 91

work

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

bbbblt

1 8/15/2010 5:09:10 PM
Agree: 51042 Deserved : 3766 Comments: 134

intimacy

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

WorstLifeEver

1 6/25/2010 6:15:30 AM
Agree: 64004 Deserved : 13286 Comments: 333

intimacy

Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML

atleastmybreathisfresh

1 2/28/2010 10:49:14 AM
Agree: 9194 Deserved : 28316 Comments: 49

geek

Today, I was running late for work and realized I forgot to pay a bill. I turned on my computer to pay the bill and brushed my teeth while it set up. I had a mouth full of mouthwash and decided to pay the bill before I spit. Then, I sneezed mouthwash all over my laptop keyboard and screen. FML

Anonymous

1 2/27/2010 8:31:31 AM
Agree: 8982 Deserved : 23064 Comments: 87

miscellaneous

Today, I went to the park with my friend and we decided to swing. While we were swinging, we decided to jump off backwards. All would have worked out fine if my pants hadn't gotten caught on the metal of the swing, leaving my bare butt exposed. The man who was in the park with his daughter left. FML

Kaganate

1 2/9/2010 6:02:39 AM
Agree: 9288 Deserved : 24989 Comments: 101

miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

Henry

1 2/6/2010 8:49:04 AM
Agree: 23774 Deserved : 8803 Comments: 125

health

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

melonhead

1 1/14/2010 2:16:20 PM
Agree: 34192 Deserved : 3661 Comments: 101

miscellaneous

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

exchange

1 12/17/2009 10:30:11 AM
Agree: 43270 Deserved : 2972 Comments: 68

money

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

Anonymous

0 11/15/2009 3:29:56 AM
Agree: 18193 Deserved : 46559 Comments: 478

love

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

Anonymous

1 10/19/2009 9:40:26 AM
Agree: 36638 Deserved : 3284 Comments: 51

work

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

Toothless

1 10/7/2009 11:13:09 AM
Agree: 31411 Deserved : 6271 Comments: 45

health

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

RitaDahhlinnnng

1 8/26/2009 5:26:42 AM
Agree: 50295 Deserved : 10658 Comments: 135

love

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

FedExMan

1 8/12/2009 4:45:04 AM
Agree: 41010 Deserved : 2546 Comments: 39

work

Today, I was delivering packages as usual for work. I was dropping off a large letter to a hot girl. Before I turned to leave the girl opened her mouth to say something. Instead, she just vomited all over me. Her letter was my first delivery of the day. I had to finish my job covered in puke. FML

tryingnottocare

1 8/7/2009 1:31:52 AM
Agree: 54645 Deserved : 4514 Comments: 87

miscellaneous

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

rain

1 6/1/2009 7:35:34 AM
Agree: 53980 Deserved : 8338 Comments: 199

love

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

Jinthebar

1 5/6/2009 9:43:55 AM
Agree: 68249 Deserved : 7785 Comments: 201

love

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone." in a seductive tone. FML

buymeadrank

1 4/30/2009 8:41:35 PM
Agree: 94759 Deserved : 9191 Comments: 317

health

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

shawty_x

1 4/26/2009 6:05:59 PM
Agree: 86352 Deserved : 4842 Comments: 156

love

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

Anonymous

1 4/1/2009 11:37:37 AM
Agree: 67265 Deserved : 9723 Comments: 93

geek

Today, my 8-year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number key-pad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

vibratorgirl

1 3/8/2009 6:45:09 AM
Agree: 22711 Deserved : 73094 Comments: 64

intimacy

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

zac545

1 2/19/2009 11:44:01 AM
Agree: 53314 Deserved : 11032 Comments: 46

animals

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

thedullard

1 2/16/2009 11:05:59 AM
Agree: 17056 Deserved : 30712 Comments: 31

miscellaneous

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

BillLumberg

1 2/3/2009 12:12:31 PM
Agree: 10233 Deserved : 24253 Comments: 16

work

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

Noname

1 1/24/2009 8:54:50 PM
Agree: 21110 Deserved : 2558 Comments: 30

miscellaneous

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

HeatoN

1 12/22/2008 7:14:01 AM
Agree: 48844 Deserved : 7175 Comments: 80

intimacy

Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML


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