betacies2

Mb13

1 12/21/2016 8:02:12 PM
Agree: 4373 Deserved : 2295 Comments: 51

health

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

Anonymous

1 7/16/2016 5:53:23 PM
Agree: 11043 Deserved : 1881 Comments: 26

work

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

minissaussette

1 4/8/2016 11:39:39 PM
Agree: 21814 Deserved : 1599 Comments: 59

kids

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

Anonymous

1 1/21/2016 3:16:40 AM
Agree: 17984 Deserved : 8199 Comments: 40

work

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

PissyPuss

1 12/10/2015 9:38:31 PM
Agree: 23165 Deserved : 1786 Comments: 43

work

Today, the bladder infection I thought I was over flared up at work, causing me to piss myself, despite having gone twice in the previous hour. I still had to finish my shift, soaked pants and all. FML

PerturbedStudent

1 12/9/2015 11:42:30 PM
Agree: 21931 Deserved : 1584 Comments: 86

love

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

Ajax_Teh_Great

1 10/20/2015 7:49:35 AM
Agree: 29083 Deserved : 1996 Comments: 95

miscellaneous

Today, I was stabbed because a mugger got mad that I was broke. FML

fleckney26

1 10/1/2015 2:43:58 PM
Agree: 22756 Deserved : 10073 Comments: 62

work

Today, after months of running up four flights of stairs to what I thought was the only male restroom in the building, I found another one. It's always been just around the corner from my desk. FML

spiderlady

1 9/21/2015 3:00:38 AM
Agree: 24323 Deserved : 2080 Comments: 57

animals

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

Severus_Snape_

1 9/20/2015 7:11:19 AM
Agree: 25493 Deserved : 1621 Comments: 154

health

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my wrist. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I am pretty sure mosquito bites are not supposed to start crawling up to your armpit while swelling. FML

Anonymous

1 9/15/2015 5:56:00 AM
Agree: 29885 Deserved : 4218 Comments: 87

intimacy

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

Anonymous

1 9/2/2015 3:41:59 PM
Agree: 23187 Deserved : 1627 Comments: 88

work

Today, I finally got the results of months of extensive psychological testing to determine why I did so well in my course but performed so terribly on the job. Turns out I'm autistic. FML

MyBallsForSaleOnEbay

1 8/21/2015 3:25:32 PM
Agree: 26474 Deserved : 6965 Comments: 139

kids

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

gingerwhinger

1 8/5/2015 11:24:04 PM
Agree: 23494 Deserved : 1670 Comments: 43

miscellaneous

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

Pattie

1 6/12/2015 6:50:38 AM
Agree: 27880 Deserved : 8218 Comments: 88

intimacy

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

Anonymous

1 6/7/2015 4:21:56 AM
Agree: 30400 Deserved : 3305 Comments: 76

intimacy

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

broke and hungry

1 5/30/2015 6:53:33 PM
Agree: 30723 Deserved : 5292 Comments: 47

money

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

Anonymous

1 5/26/2015 3:12:20 PM
Agree: 29091 Deserved : 2844 Comments: 92

love

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

Anonymous

1 5/11/2015 5:08:26 PM
Agree: 36868 Deserved : 5857 Comments: 116

intimacy

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

MuteNToot

1 2/26/2015 9:17:30 PM
Agree: 29309 Deserved : 13927 Comments: 90

miscellaneous

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

Yupppp.

1 2/11/2015 6:25:15 AM
Agree: 39530 Deserved : 5176 Comments: 90

intimacy

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

fart

1 11/27/2014 3:13:59 PM
Agree: 34502 Deserved : 7110 Comments: 74

love

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

hellalegit

1 11/7/2014 6:26:57 AM
Agree: 41991 Deserved : 4349 Comments: 136

kids

Today, my neighbor's five-year-old rode his tricycle into a history diorama I had spent days slaving over. When I confronted him, he just said, "Vroom vroom muthafucka." FML

anonymous

1 11/4/2014 6:24:56 AM
Agree: 33159 Deserved : 3481 Comments: 65

love

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

Anonymous

1 10/29/2014 8:19:20 AM
Agree: 37919 Deserved : 7197 Comments: 60

kids

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

wasteroftime

1 8/14/2014 9:31:08 PM
Agree: 38242 Deserved : 3241 Comments: 51

health

Today, my friend started choking while at a Hard Rock Cafe. I jumped up and tried to give her the Heimlich maneuver, only for her to throw up all over the table and stagger out of the place. I stood there as the waiter asked if I wanted to split the bill. FML

Anonymous

1 8/2/2014 4:00:40 AM
Agree: 59311 Deserved : 6374 Comments: 134

love

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

all puked out

1 7/13/2014 9:14:25 PM
Agree: 50882 Deserved : 4261 Comments: 62

miscellaneous

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

Anonymous

1 6/20/2014 6:20:09 PM
Agree: 58497 Deserved : 5655 Comments: 193

health

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

Congrats to me

1 5/24/2014 11:57:47 PM
Agree: 51026 Deserved : 4087 Comments: 81

miscellaneous

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

Anonymous

1 4/30/2014 2:52:48 PM
Agree: 42922 Deserved : 4605 Comments: 101

miscellaneous

Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of "Who the hell's this?" FML

kittykat798

1 4/17/2014 12:00:03 AM
Agree: 48503 Deserved : 5408 Comments: 84

love

Today, I went to a restaurant for a friend's birthday. There were two very attractive waiters. They waited until I went to the toilet to sit down, talk to my friends and hit on them. They promptly left upon my return. Men avoid me. FML

not a dumbass pothead

1 4/8/2014 10:04:46 PM
Agree: 26482 Deserved : 45900 Comments: 144

miscellaneous

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

alipallie

1 3/10/2014 12:36:23 AM
Agree: 38467 Deserved : 6916 Comments: 48

health

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

dylanhollis

1 1/17/2014 12:49:37 PM
Agree: 43149 Deserved : 8965 Comments: 81

love

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

HungerStrike

1 12/29/2013 11:28:53 PM
Agree: 40471 Deserved : 3495 Comments: 85

health

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

Anonymous

1 12/8/2013 8:39:41 PM
Agree: 51285 Deserved : 5674 Comments: 127

miscellaneous

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

so_screwed

1 9/25/2013 6:59:18 AM
Agree: 38835 Deserved : 13691 Comments: 95

love

Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML

Idontknowwhattodo

1 8/27/2013 10:17:24 AM
Agree: 42348 Deserved : 3431 Comments: 51

kids

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

scheisse

1 7/14/2013 9:25:34 PM
Agree: 26044 Deserved : 66532 Comments: 114

miscellaneous

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

Shitty Boss Shitty Job

1 6/15/2013 5:41:56 AM
Agree: 51285 Deserved : 6430 Comments: 62

work

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

Anonymous

1 5/3/2013 4:38:14 PM
Agree: 47552 Deserved : 3689 Comments: 72

miscellaneous

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

KathleenSchuler

1 3/5/2013 3:38:33 AM
Agree: 32423 Deserved : 3508 Comments: 49

work

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

Laila

1 2/20/2013 12:01:45 PM
Agree: 38827 Deserved : 5128 Comments: 62

kids

Today, my son asked me if the short films I write are for little kids or for adults. Since I write horror-filled films, I said it was for adults. He went and told his teacher that I made "adult films". FML

Anonymous

1 1/3/2013 5:02:00 AM
Agree: 36281 Deserved : 9770 Comments: 59

miscellaneous

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

SweetStuff88

1 11/15/2012 1:37:48 PM
Agree: 29807 Deserved : 9390 Comments: 110

love

Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML

caltech

1 10/10/2012 4:15:23 AM
Agree: 30328 Deserved : 2025 Comments: 69

work

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

Anonymous

1 9/23/2012 11:11:08 AM
Agree: 21768 Deserved : 2486 Comments: 111

animals

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

weave9z

1 9/4/2012 2:08:56 AM
Agree: 23608 Deserved : 3090 Comments: 131

miscellaneous

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

Mega_bug

1 6/17/2012 2:14:39 AM
Agree: 27271 Deserved : 7227 Comments: 194

intimacy

Today, while giving my fiancé a hand-job, my ring got stuck in his pubes. We had to awkwardly get to the kitchen to get scissors. FML

Karmaisabitch

1 5/18/2012 6:07:05 AM
Agree: 8023 Deserved : 52182 Comments: 111

miscellaneous

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

Kwalker3

1 5/6/2012 6:39:22 AM
Agree: 35610 Deserved : 4058 Comments: 141

intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

Rynne S.

1 3/13/2012 6:12:41 AM
Agree: 42660 Deserved : 2402 Comments: 150

miscellaneous

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

Joanne

1 2/24/2012 1:26:01 PM
Agree: 29545 Deserved : 3307 Comments: 164

kids

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

tooembarassed

1 2/3/2012 8:47:24 PM
Agree: 25867 Deserved : 3512 Comments: 126

miscellaneous

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

Anonymous

1 12/29/2011 10:06:03 PM
Agree: 10848 Deserved : 38012 Comments: 215

miscellaneous

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

Broke Mama

1 12/24/2011 2:38:42 PM
Agree: 27053 Deserved : 7804 Comments: 107

kids

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

Anonymous

1 12/11/2011 6:57:07 AM
Agree: 29268 Deserved : 2644 Comments: 99

animals

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

Anony-moose

1 10/11/2011 9:43:00 AM
Agree: 25549 Deserved : 2502 Comments: 71

work

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

Anonymous

1 9/13/2011 6:05:12 AM
Agree: 27462 Deserved : 10299 Comments: 117

animals

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

Alyssa Charlotte

1 7/29/2011 2:25:33 AM
Agree: 36595 Deserved : 2986 Comments: 114

transportation

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

devilboy

1 7/6/2011 11:26:41 AM
Agree: 58215 Deserved : 17803 Comments: 364

intimacy

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

Username

1 7/1/2011 9:47:50 PM
Agree: 28699 Deserved : 12607 Comments: 97

money

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

Eringobrag88

1 6/27/2011 4:08:38 PM
Agree: 32635 Deserved : 3930 Comments: 121

kids

Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML

suxx

1 6/25/2011 8:39:15 AM
Agree: 40977 Deserved : 8114 Comments: 204

intimacy

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

Anonymous

1 5/24/2011 5:19:04 AM
Agree: 44431 Deserved : 3413 Comments: 102

intimacy

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

crazycat

1 5/13/2011 4:23:53 PM
Agree: 32962 Deserved : 5732 Comments: 109

animals

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

Now Single

1 4/3/2011 8:06:30 AM
Agree: 117329 Deserved : 8291 Comments: 358

intimacy

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

Austyn

1 2/18/2011 7:55:15 AM
Agree: 34909 Deserved : 5465 Comments: 155

miscellaneous

Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML

Anonymous

1 1/13/2011 6:32:26 AM
Agree: 29706 Deserved : 2554 Comments: 109

miscellaneous

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

expassword

1 12/17/2010 12:20:13 AM
Agree: 33393 Deserved : 3651 Comments: 81

love

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

sofakingweetodit

1 10/18/2010 12:44:35 PM
Agree: 10487 Deserved : 34614 Comments: 54

work

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

ktwithaq

1 10/18/2010 11:27:00 AM
Agree: 28153 Deserved : 5260 Comments: 88

work

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

lostvideo

1 8/24/2010 7:25:07 AM
Agree: 25142 Deserved : 9099 Comments: 59

miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

HaleyIsabelle

1 3/8/2010 8:54:57 PM
Agree: 32773 Deserved : 3648 Comments: 140

love

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

bw9669

1 1/28/2010 7:35:42 PM
Agree: 34048 Deserved : 5007 Comments: 152

miscellaneous

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

Brotherssuckkk

1 1/18/2010 8:04:04 PM
Agree: 32493 Deserved : 4732 Comments: 83

kids

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

beriles

1 1/15/2010 5:25:47 AM
Agree: 24526 Deserved : 8279 Comments: 32

love

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

Hmmwtf

1 12/10/2009 10:38:52 AM
Agree: 34368 Deserved : 2995 Comments: 62

work

Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

anonymous

0 12/3/2009 6:55:06 AM
Agree: 21328 Deserved : 81546 Comments: 387

kids

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

amanda_ae_erin

1 11/10/2009 4:02:29 AM
Agree: 39238 Deserved : 4943 Comments: 124

love

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

cpatch

1 11/9/2009 11:22:54 PM
Agree: 28865 Deserved : 6322 Comments: 59

miscellaneous

Today, I started the day at my local Starbucks. I was greeted with smiles from everyone I made eye contact with and left the store feeling really good about myself. I got home and checked myself out in the mirror, only to realize I had cut myself shaving and my neck was covered in dried blood. FML

hey-ooo

1 10/28/2009 1:15:20 AM
Agree: 46009 Deserved : 2774 Comments: 89

miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

hatemyjob

1 10/27/2009 4:04:50 AM
Agree: 33577 Deserved : 1983 Comments: 51

work

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

xXx

1 10/16/2009 8:20:08 AM
Agree: 42645 Deserved : 2994 Comments: 93

miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

sick

1 9/21/2009 7:50:54 PM
Agree: 35120 Deserved : 11144 Comments: 66

work

Today, I decided I would call in sick to work after working 60 hours the week before just so I could have a day off... My body responded this morning with vomiting and diarrhea so I had to call in sick and didn't get to have much fun... Karma 1 Me 0. FML

signinept

1 9/18/2009 11:28:47 PM
Agree: 8070 Deserved : 49192 Comments: 43

transportation

Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML

cl512

1 9/18/2009 1:33:37 PM
Agree: 41313 Deserved : 2280 Comments: 68

miscellaneous

Today, I walked out of my college dorm to see that the intelligent person who locked their bike next to mine decided as an added security they would lock their bike to the rack, and to my bike. FML

acnegirl

1 7/26/2009 4:29:17 AM
Agree: 51024 Deserved : 7041 Comments: 94

love

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

jennyygrace

1 7/11/2009 12:16:11 AM
Agree: 12316 Deserved : 40978 Comments: 36

miscellaneous

Today, I was walking through airport security when a guard began making lewd gestures at his crotch, while looking at me. I was outraged until I realized he was trying to tell me that my fly was down. FML

Clueless

1 5/24/2009 5:01:35 AM
Agree: 14140 Deserved : 59628 Comments: 156

miscellaneous

Today, a waiter came up and and put out his hand so I gave him a high five and pounded it. He then says, "Um, that was a nice high five but I wanted your plate." FML

Anonymous

1 5/23/2009 7:37:03 PM
Agree: 59516 Deserved : 3789 Comments: 130

miscellaneous

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

GK

1 5/8/2009 11:20:30 AM
Agree: 44242 Deserved : 7671 Comments: 49

miscellaneous

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

nhanley1

1 4/2/2009 5:07:56 PM
Agree: 64997 Deserved : 6162 Comments: 91

geek

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

Anonymous

1 3/31/2009 8:33:07 PM
Agree: 71811 Deserved : 4207 Comments: 79

love

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

Jaxter

1 3/18/2009 5:41:13 AM
Agree: 80028 Deserved : 14859 Comments: 106

love

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

wideman

1 2/28/2009 7:59:25 AM
Agree: 18132 Deserved : 64801 Comments: 66

miscellaneous

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

yerface

1 2/13/2009 3:52:59 AM
Agree: 40072 Deserved : 8562 Comments: 42

miscellaneous

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

Bliss

1 2/9/2009 6:24:09 PM
Agree: 26384 Deserved : 5787 Comments: 15

love

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

Noname

1 1/27/2009 12:02:21 AM
Agree: 51918 Deserved : 2743 Comments: 59

health

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML


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