betacies2

Yimothemage

1 12/20/2016 4:56:02 PM
Agree: 8063 Deserved : 1036 Comments: 33

animals

Today, I was sleeping in my bed next to my dog. I must've bumped her in my slumber, because she went into full zombie mode and bit my face. I now have a large bruise and bite marks on my cheek. It's so swollen that I can barely see out of my left eye. FML

pianoblues

1 10/18/2016 1:52:46 AM
Agree: 9441 Deserved : 979 Comments: 44

miscellaneous

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

DoubledTrouble

1 7/21/2016 5:28:56 PM
Agree: 14461 Deserved : 1177 Comments: 61

kids

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

fuckel4

1 7/2/2016 1:42:12 AM
Agree: 12901 Deserved : 4972 Comments: 44

work

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

Anonymous

1 7/1/2016 2:12:36 AM
Agree: 12331 Deserved : 826 Comments: 31

work

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

Anonymous

1 6/1/2016 9:51:38 PM
Agree: 10282 Deserved : 1358 Comments: 32

miscellaneous

Today, a few weeks after moving back to my home country, I found out my diploma isn't recognized here. The only training provider I can find that can upgrade it to something valid wants another 2 years of my life, 500 hours of work experience and $16,000. FML

Lexyy17

1 5/28/2016 8:13:43 AM
Agree: 15111 Deserved : 1510 Comments: 164

miscellaneous

Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

gavthewarealpaca

1 5/16/2016 3:06:53 PM
Agree: 11453 Deserved : 2086 Comments: 38

miscellaneous

Today, my mattress has gotten so old and trashed that I was woken up by two springs ripping through my bed sheets and stabbing me in the leg and abdomen. FML

Anonymous

1 1/23/2016 1:01:33 AM
Agree: 22341 Deserved : 1478 Comments: 43

love

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

Anonymous

1 12/30/2015 7:02:37 PM
Agree: 18532 Deserved : 2672 Comments: 33

work

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

ConfusedGirl

1 12/15/2015 6:33:46 PM
Agree: 24435 Deserved : 2125 Comments: 113

miscellaneous

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

Anonymous

1 11/21/2015 1:43:14 AM
Agree: 12737 Deserved : 28480 Comments: 133

transportation

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

racello13

1 11/2/2015 8:56:51 PM
Agree: 24782 Deserved : 1760 Comments: 55

miscellaneous

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

cuckoo

1 8/22/2015 9:29:25 AM
Agree: 27398 Deserved : 3890 Comments: 51

love

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

poop

1 3/21/2015 10:17:29 PM
Agree: 29918 Deserved : 2589 Comments: 60

miscellaneous

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

MirandaJones

1 3/20/2015 8:11:18 PM
Agree: 27925 Deserved : 8701 Comments: 46

love

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

ruthlessrobin

1 2/25/2015 12:01:40 PM
Agree: 34729 Deserved : 2417 Comments: 139

work

Today, I was given my yearly evaluation as a cake decorator at Walmart. They said I "was easily the best decorator there" and "the bakery has definitely improved since I got there." In the same conversation they put "unsatisfactory" on my evaluation and denied my raise. FML

Anonymous

1 2/14/2015 4:19:58 AM
Agree: 32504 Deserved : 3515 Comments: 44

love

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

StantheMan93

1 2/3/2015 5:29:46 AM
Agree: 50153 Deserved : 3521 Comments: 129

intimacy

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

Anonymous

1 1/27/2015 7:13:52 AM
Agree: 32963 Deserved : 2721 Comments: 76

intimacy

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

Not so much of a teachers pet

1 10/23/2014 2:25:01 AM
Agree: 37546 Deserved : 5672 Comments: 85

miscellaneous

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

bluevix

1 10/11/2014 6:55:20 AM
Agree: 45272 Deserved : 6446 Comments: 95

intimacy

Today, a nurse asked my relationship status. I answered, "Married". She then asked if there was any possibility of me being pregnant. I hardly contained my snort, before responding, "No, you have to have sex for that." I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that it's true or her laughter. FML

Gibsonsgfreak21

1 3/25/2014 11:02:29 AM
Agree: 40317 Deserved : 5303 Comments: 108

love

Today, I learned the hard way that when I ask a cute girl if she's artistic, it sounds like I'm asking her if she's autistic. FML

chuchundra

1 3/9/2014 1:36:44 AM
Agree: 42994 Deserved : 7810 Comments: 74

animals

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

wtf

1 1/10/2014 10:17:09 PM
Agree: 52273 Deserved : 4891 Comments: 102

miscellaneous

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

fs

1 11/24/2013 5:15:50 AM
Agree: 47641 Deserved : 3232 Comments: 100

miscellaneous

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

whyme

1 9/12/2013 8:14:14 PM
Agree: 62931 Deserved : 4512 Comments: 114

love

Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML

Anonymous

1 9/10/2013 12:34:36 PM
Agree: 37326 Deserved : 2553 Comments: 36

miscellaneous

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

jessel_ladd92

1 9/9/2013 12:12:23 PM
Agree: 45957 Deserved : 5753 Comments: 90

miscellaneous

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

the other man

1 8/28/2013 8:41:05 AM
Agree: 51236 Deserved : 3861 Comments: 67

love

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

fuck

1 7/13/2013 10:52:34 PM
Agree: 30136 Deserved : 58856 Comments: 147

miscellaneous

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

culodegrillo

1 5/14/2013 2:06:56 AM
Agree: 51283 Deserved : 3214 Comments: 70

miscellaneous

Today, a woman approached me in the street and slapped me, ranting about how I stole her man. I don't even know her man, or her, and I live over a thousand miles away in Scotland. I'm back in town for the first time since my childhood to attend a wedding. FML

Thai rice mistake

1 2/12/2013 1:34:36 PM
Agree: 30137 Deserved : 18604 Comments: 101

miscellaneous

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

katelynm

1 2/8/2013 11:54:47 AM
Agree: 39226 Deserved : 8768 Comments: 129

love

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

Anonymous

1 2/4/2013 3:27:58 AM
Agree: 13295 Deserved : 32821 Comments: 101

love

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

CheddarJack89

1 12/1/2012 2:05:12 PM
Agree: 23195 Deserved : 2401 Comments: 53

work

Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML

tiredofthis

1 10/10/2012 11:08:27 PM
Agree: 29239 Deserved : 1961 Comments: 155

miscellaneous

Today, my roommate set her extremely loud alarm clock for 5am and continued to hit the snooze button every ten minutes until 7:30. FML

Gurl

1 9/8/2012 4:02:53 AM
Agree: 15050 Deserved : 27942 Comments: 124

miscellaneous

Today, the iPhone app I downloaded that plays cricket noises during the night, has attracted a horde of actual crickets into my bedroom. FML

Anonymous

0 8/1/2012 9:47:50 AM
Agree: 63222 Deserved : 11931 Comments: 175

intimacy

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

Anonymous

1 6/28/2012 10:23:01 PM
Agree: 27880 Deserved : 5494 Comments: 113

money

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

hunterjumper1212

1 5/24/2012 1:11:35 PM
Agree: 21637 Deserved : 2778 Comments: 74

money

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

hjkashld

1 4/24/2012 7:18:13 AM
Agree: 13197 Deserved : 35746 Comments: 185

intimacy

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

Scabby

1 4/11/2012 3:23:08 PM
Agree: 42761 Deserved : 3569 Comments: 270

health

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

screaming monkey

1 4/4/2012 3:43:54 PM
Agree: 33616 Deserved : 2047 Comments: 161

health

Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML

braceface

1 3/15/2012 1:42:39 AM
Agree: 29441 Deserved : 6789 Comments: 137

health

Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML

ikungfuyou

1 12/27/2011 12:41:13 PM
Agree: 41878 Deserved : 10072 Comments: 147

intimacy

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

apparentfatty

1 11/11/2011 5:20:07 PM
Agree: 34619 Deserved : 7016 Comments: 172

health

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

NoMoreMeters

1 10/29/2011 5:49:13 AM
Agree: 32566 Deserved : 4788 Comments: 243

work

Today, during my fourth solo day working as a meter-maid, I had a vehicle towed for being parked in front of a fire hydrant. The vehicle belonged to the governor. I'm scared to even show my face at work next week. FML

Anonymous

1 10/16/2011 9:52:20 AM
Agree: 42079 Deserved : 5210 Comments: 235

love

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

Username

1 10/3/2011 11:28:33 PM
Agree: 34827 Deserved : 3300 Comments: 121

miscellaneous

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

jpmetz

1 9/26/2011 9:59:41 AM
Agree: 28153 Deserved : 5916 Comments: 157

money

Today, my credit card got blocked. Apparently, my bank thinks buying a $130 flat iron online is suspicious. FML

CHStennis_4

1 9/3/2011 10:18:19 AM
Agree: 40622 Deserved : 3793 Comments: 124

love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

laurlaur

1 8/6/2011 3:17:30 AM
Agree: 34369 Deserved : 2856 Comments: 119

health

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

craphanded

1 7/19/2011 11:15:12 PM
Agree: 32161 Deserved : 9099 Comments: 151

animals

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

Anonymous

1 7/11/2011 10:18:50 AM
Agree: 34108 Deserved : 9279 Comments: 155

miscellaneous

Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML

Anonymous

1 6/9/2011 7:55:55 PM
Agree: 44055 Deserved : 3525 Comments: 155

health

Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML

Nick

1 5/10/2011 1:07:09 PM
Agree: 24922 Deserved : 21397 Comments: 42

miscellaneous

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

tbright010

1 4/9/2011 4:18:19 AM
Agree: 29939 Deserved : 4558 Comments: 86

animals

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

Anonymous

1 12/4/2010 5:41:24 AM
Agree: 42199 Deserved : 5763 Comments: 124

intimacy

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

Anonymous

1 11/14/2010 1:06:17 PM
Agree: 15291 Deserved : 31342 Comments: 72

intimacy

Today, my parents asked me if I had a nice time with my girlfriend at the amusement park I took her to yesterday. She was pretty freaked out by some of the rides so without thinking I said, "Yeah, but she sure is a screamer." My parents then exchange a look and say, "Oh trust us, we know." FML

Anonymous

1 11/10/2010 12:02:31 AM
Agree: 43361 Deserved : 7393 Comments: 175

health

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

katie06

1 10/28/2010 12:09:25 PM
Agree: 25503 Deserved : 5612 Comments: 125

animals

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

themanzz

1 10/8/2010 5:38:25 PM
Agree: 27013 Deserved : 8508 Comments: 67

animals

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

Anonymous

1 9/23/2010 12:52:12 AM
Agree: 29378 Deserved : 7778 Comments: 70

work

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

Anonymous

1 9/16/2010 9:42:25 AM
Agree: 53479 Deserved : 4428 Comments: 103

love

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

Anonymous

1 6/26/2010 5:59:37 AM
Agree: 11286 Deserved : 50818 Comments: 183

love

Today, I was at the store when I saw two extremely hot girls. I walked into their aisle and they looked at me and smiled. I stopped and pretended to look at something so I could listen to what they were saying. They started laughing and walked away. It turned out I was reading a box of tampons. FML

Unwanted

1 6/10/2010 6:24:12 PM
Agree: 36350 Deserved : 3798 Comments: 87

miscellaneous

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

notyouraverageteenager

1 6/10/2010 12:36:21 PM
Agree: 33609 Deserved : 7221 Comments: 79

love

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

koletatlow19

1 3/5/2010 10:53:53 AM
Agree: 26377 Deserved : 3764 Comments: 105

work

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

FBfail

1 2/28/2010 6:40:15 PM
Agree: 41863 Deserved : 2942 Comments: 168

love

Today, I saw my boyfriend of two years had joined a group on facebook called 'Guys who are proud of their girlfriends'. I smiled and was about to like it when I noticed a comment below from a girl saying "Awww thanks babe :) xxxx". FML

Anonymous

1 2/24/2010 8:59:54 PM
Agree: 40080 Deserved : 5678 Comments: 286

love

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

whyme_ss

1 2/24/2010 3:40:49 AM
Agree: 15665 Deserved : 44505 Comments: 342

miscellaneous

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

Anonymous

1 2/13/2010 2:17:03 PM
Agree: 27233 Deserved : 3003 Comments: 135

miscellaneous

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

Female

1 2/12/2010 9:02:22 AM
Agree: 24021 Deserved : 5965 Comments: 184

work

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

ehwat

1 11/26/2009 11:01:43 AM
Agree: 26118 Deserved : 12536 Comments: 129

intimacy

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

Sam

1 11/2/2009 4:40:27 AM
Agree: 10530 Deserved : 58122 Comments: 155

miscellaneous

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

Anonymous

1 11/1/2009 11:13:42 PM
Agree: 38911 Deserved : 6812 Comments: 150

love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

hanzastfu

1 10/26/2009 10:55:35 PM
Agree: 34095 Deserved : 9211 Comments: 138

love

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

Crotch_Rocket_Rider

1 10/6/2009 11:03:08 PM
Agree: 37071 Deserved : 7593 Comments: 107

transportation

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

Anonymous

1 9/27/2009 6:10:31 AM
Agree: 37970 Deserved : 3121 Comments: 57

health

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

Moe

1 9/25/2009 10:50:02 AM
Agree: 29486 Deserved : 7504 Comments: 20

transportation

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

bubbles

1 9/6/2009 4:32:04 AM
Agree: 13401 Deserved : 40415 Comments: 61

miscellaneous

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

Lonely

1 8/23/2009 12:39:08 PM
Agree: 35003 Deserved : 4608 Comments: 69

miscellaneous

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

demk

1 8/20/2009 8:21:12 PM
Agree: 91917 Deserved : 7973 Comments: 270

love

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

deflated

1 8/9/2009 10:24:39 PM
Agree: 16450 Deserved : 58555 Comments: 109

intimacy

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

Anonymous

1 7/23/2009 12:30:06 PM
Agree: 37792 Deserved : 25332 Comments: 88

miscellaneous

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

iJehx

1 7/14/2009 3:48:26 AM
Agree: 10210 Deserved : 65155 Comments: 116

miscellaneous

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

Blackberry

1 7/11/2009 12:45:46 AM
Agree: 13511 Deserved : 82075 Comments: 165

love

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

xero_art

1 6/26/2009 3:21:55 PM
Agree: 62018 Deserved : 7619 Comments: 172

money

Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML

NoNaMe

1 6/4/2009 1:37:42 PM
Agree: 10361 Deserved : 74361 Comments: 138

miscellaneous

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

mooseknuckle

1 5/31/2009 10:41:33 PM
Agree: 21355 Deserved : 50222 Comments: 176

money

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

jlover42

1 5/2/2009 2:37:08 AM
Agree: 64129 Deserved : 18189 Comments: 168

health

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

frenchgirlll

1 4/27/2009 10:13:35 AM
Agree: 61163 Deserved : 12473 Comments: 109

love

Today, I was giving my crush a lift home from a mutual friend's house. When he got in the car, my mom asked in French, "Is this the guy you won't stop talking about? You can do so much better!" Of all the things I've told about him to my mom, I forgot to mention he's French as well. FML

anbrown6

1 4/12/2009 11:25:08 PM
Agree: 70859 Deserved : 9650 Comments: 192

animals

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

Troy

1 4/4/2009 12:10:47 AM
Agree: 80009 Deserved : 7659 Comments: 87

love

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

AnnaMarie.

1 3/1/2009 2:11:02 AM
Agree: 55859 Deserved : 3784 Comments: 61

miscellaneous

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

thetheatreguy

0 2/26/2009 8:26:30 PM
Agree: 61778 Deserved : 12614 Comments: 38

love

Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML

nana.

1 2/15/2009 8:59:06 PM
Agree: 9250 Deserved : 71958 Comments: 71

miscellaneous

Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

red button

1 2/12/2009 12:54:10 AM
Agree: 13355 Deserved : 43090 Comments: 28

miscellaneous

Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML

ana9

1 1/12/2009 9:26:05 PM
Agree: 19457 Deserved : 6639 Comments: 110

miscellaneous

Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML


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